The Process

I have no idea how long it would take to reach the point I can say I am free from this addiction. It’s certainly taking years.

The way I view myself and others has changed a lot since the age of 24 (I am 30 upon writing this). It’s been a humbling experience as I realise I am human just like everyone else. Emotions are something one cannot depend on and a lot of people go through the same stuff but handle them differently. I am more self aware of myself and my actions. It started off with being aware of my addiction and then spiralled into other bad habits in my life, for example drinking. The changes have been part of the process. It’s a slow journey towards being free. This moment is about mending. The process of mending a brain that has been damaged by a mixture of technology and exploitation.

Opening up and talking to others about it is always progress. Sharing ideas, experiences, and opinions. I get a chance to try and make some friends in the process. This is one of many reasons why I started my Instagram account. There is some accountability towards it. People who follow it are actually supportive. This on top of learning about myself by studying myself. What works? What does not? Why did I relapse? I am my own experiment constantly testing out various ways to beat this addiction and documenting it using my own craft.

There is a big difference between the 24 year old me, the me writing this and the various versions of me that will be reading this. It really comes down to the big moment I noticed I had a serious issue and the little moments after up until now. There have been so many times I had to reset the counter back to 0, even when the supporters are encouraging me to keep staying strong. There have been multiple times I have been impatient, asking myself why does this take so long to get over? Surely this isn’t possible? There have been times I felt like a fraud writing about this and have people thinking it is a success story, it really isn’t… yet. I can promise during the years of trying to overcome the addiction that I have not thought about giving up.

The things I have learnt about myself and the change of perception towards other people is as important as the end goal. I would dare say more important than overcoming the addiction itself. However there is still a long way to go because this addiction has still got a great hold of me. I trust the process enough to say by the end of this, whether I do overcome the addiction or not, I will turn out to be a better human being. I would do everything I can during the process to ensure the end goal is met.

 

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