Identifying the Reward

I asked a friend why she smokes. It was my way of using others understanding of themselves to maybe help me understand myself. She had no clue as to why she smokes. So I decided to try and identify why I do what I do starting with what ejaculation does for me. Since that is the thing that completes the cycle.

Urges causes stress, ejaculation makes the urge go away, basically releasing the stress. So the reward would be to get rid of the urge the best way my brain thinks is possible, watching explicit material and ejaculating. I say my brain because my brain is just going by habits and thinks I am actually having sex (sounds weird right?). I’ve been watching explicit material for so long, my brain thinks it is real sex. It has no idea that it is just a cycle.

The routine gives a reward too, masturbating and watching is a pleasurable process that relieves loneliness. It’s entering a false world in which I am not alone and my imagination run wild. One doesn’t have sex on their own, even during masturbation. One is always imagining or watching someone else. In the middle of the routine, I sort of forget that I am alone in a dark room all by myself.

It’s becoming clear to see why I would become addicted to this. Unhealthy or not, watching explicit material solves loneliness and stress. However it is unhealthy and requires a healthy alternative or alternatives. Not only that, I need alternatives that fit the ideal time and the ideal environment highlighted by ‘the cues’ post. What could replace the temptation of perfect women on a screen? This is a dilemma that has been on my mind for years. It’s a journey of trying out new things to see what, if anything, can replace ejaculation as a form of stress relief and viewing explicit material as a form of resolving loneliness.

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