“How you gonna win, when you ain’t right within?” – Lauryn Hill
Overcoming my habit is the primary objective for this year, just like last year and the year before that. Although I am still struggling with urges and relapses, I have been making small progress. An evening or morning here and there overcoming urges. A small win is still a win. The main thing I have learnt during my absence from this blog, is that I have to deal with my inner troubles before I can manage the external things we call life. Dealing with inner issues and sticking to principles would be setting foundations to handle anything that life throws. During my absence, I broke a promise to not get into a relationship until I handled my inner issue. That relationship ended after a couple months because of my inner issue. I wasn’t surprised it ended. This is an example of my inner issue becoming external and affecting others. I wasn’t right within.
To me, Inner freedom means possessing the power and resources to fulfil one’s own potential. It is controlling what you can control (yourself) to go out and be the best you can be. External freedom means freedom to do whatever and say whatever you want, however we do this, we must face the consequences. My addiction is holding me back greatly and unabling me to fulfil my potential. So much time and energy have been spent chasing a dopamine hit, in fact I record the time. I mainly use my phone during relapse and I have an app called ‘QualityTime’, that tells me how much time I spend on my phone and which apps I spend more time on. When I overcome my addiction, I will cut two to three hours of the time I would spend daily using my phone. That’s an extra two to three hours doing/focusing on something else than watching explicit online material. To do this means controlling the controllables which are the things that are within.
There are many things I want to do in life, but I believe I will not get there until I deal with my inner issue first. I have to deal with my addiction. I have to strive and maintain being right within.