Dusk and Dawn

After waking up early and working all day, my guard is finally down in the evenings. It’s comfort time. It’s not just bedtime, but the whole evening from start to finish. Most relapses occur just before bed but sometimes it can occur throughout the evening. I’m vulnerable when I am tired and falling asleep. I’m also vulnerable when I am not doing the things I am supposed to do in the evening, usually down to procrastination. I conclude that evening urges come down to loneliness and habit. I am so used to doing the routine that it simply happens. Doing what I am supposed to do during evenings do put me in a happier mood, which makes it easier to deal with the urges.

Evenings used to be the hardest time to fight the urges, but not anymore. Because I now use the evenings as free time to improve myself or spend time with friends, as opposed to wasting time on the internet, it has been easier to deal with the evening. I also now write down what I plan on doing the next day, which gives me a sense that I need to sleep.

What I have discovered is relapsing in the evening makes a morning urge harder to fight. Relapsing in the morning, makes evening urges easier to resist.

Get up and start the day. This always sounds easy to do but incredibly difficult to execute, for everyone not just myself. If I am hungover, I am more vulnerable to relapse. The effects of a hangover mixed with urges is a hard cocktail to swallow. Depression often follows suit once relapsed as I stay in bed all day.

Mornings are now harder than evenings. Evenings used to be harder because I was procrastinating and not doing anything productive. The problem with mornings is that I am so used to masturbating and watching explicit material as a method of waking up. Another problem is that I wake up in the perfect environment, all I need now is a phone or tablet. Waking up sluggish, realising how incredibly comfortable my bed is and how silly it would be to leave such a perfect place. Only to realise I have to get up to do stuff, but I cannot. This is when I usually get up and get my phone to start the relapse process. Afterwards getting up isn’t as hard as it was before.

What is so bizarre to me about morning urges is that morning duties shuts down urges. Duties such as getting up, using the toilet, brushing my teeth and washing my face. It’s that initial getting out of bed that is always hard. It’s hard for me and hard for the average person. Being so used to using explicit material as a stimulus for getting up has caused mornings to be a popular time to relapse.

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