There was one person I wanted to tell.
It was a friend I grew close to that was always complaining I don’t open up to her. Well, about my problem would probably be a shock to her. No one knew I had an addiction. Friends, family, no one.
She would be the first.
I contemplated telling her. I didn’t know when to do it. I decided to wait until I had a lengthy winning run going to give me that bit of confidence. Plus, I didn’t want her to ask me when was the last time I relapsed and the answer to be ‘this morning’. How would she react? Would she tell anyone before I release this writing to the internet? I suppose there was only one way to find out.
We arranged lunch. Surprisingly I was nervous, very nervous. I had sweaty hands and could not stay still. It was as if I was about to propose to her and didn’t know weather the answer was going to be yes or not.
I told her.
Her initial reaction was one of surprise and she had so many questions. It was as she was trying to piece my past together and understand how something like this could happen. It started making sense to her because she was so confused. Confused as to why I didn’t want to have sex, confused why I would say stuff and how I acted. She too thought maybe it was her fault, but once telling her everything, she was happy I shared it with her and hope I get through it.
I felt vulnerable, I wasn’t the only one that know my secret. It is now out there in the open. I’ve got someone that could hold me accountable.