Right back to zero.
I was doing so well! Why did I let this happen!?
The sudden realisation that I let myself down.
Stupid Harry, so stupid.
I’ve reached a fork in the road.
I could continue feeling upset but proud. Proud that I have managed to go on a streak without relapse and have a brief period watching the stuff I have been hooked on most my life. I’ve proven I can go a lengthy period without it. Maybe next time, when I get the motivation to go at it in full force, I can go even longer. But for now, since I am at zero again, I could go on a binge.
I could continue feeling upset but proud. Proud that I have managed to go on a streak without relapse. It is better to get back on the road to freedom immediately after falling over. I’ve proven I can go a lengthy period without it, why not start another lengthy period right now. It is not motivation that is required, it is discipline, I can go even longer. Since I am at zero again, I could go on a binge, a binge of wins.
Relapses are just very brief losses in between lengthy winning runs.
Mind, body and soul.
Taken and trapped inside a cage filled with lust and extremism.
A place where women are objects.
Teenagers are sex toys.
Genitals are altered to only serve a screen.
Relief is earned only by consuming visual poison.
Safe sex is prohibited.
The trouble is not getting out of this prison.
The door is always wide open.
The trouble is staying out.
On the phone.
On the tablet.
On the laptop.
It was a 13-character password. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and stored it at my work office. I soon had a better idea, I gave the paper to my mum and told her to never give it to me until I told her why I gave it to her.
This didn’t work.
I was too creative and too determined to break the parental lock. There are loads of sites that will bypass parental controls. I would need to get the password and blacklist the website manually.
This led to lying to my mother.
I remember how I felt afterwards. I felt like an absolute loser and I was depressed for days. Has it really come to this? I still haven’t told her the truth. She didn’t think anything of the whole thing.
The problem with parental control is not every WiFi network and device in the world has a parental control blocking explicit material. Personally blocking all explicit material should be a default setting from internet companies, with the option to unblock it if requested.
I gave up ‘parental control’ and now only focus on the ‘control’ part.