There it is on the screen.
My heart is racing.
Past images are now racing through my mind.
Breathe, just breathe.
Close the window.
This doesn’t stop my body tensing.
Reopen the window.
It’s just a peak, see? No harm in just watching.
I haven’t done this in a while, it will make an orgasm feel so much better.
Why am I putting myself through this.
Imagine having sex with her.
It would feel so good.
Remember those other girls? Check them out.
I can’t overcome this.
Get it over with.
Close the window.
I told myself I wouldn’t do this.
Don’t start the whole process again.
I knew struggles like these would come.
I need to do what I said I was going to do when they came.
Delete that page from the browser history.
Think of other things I need to do today and do them.
Memory of this happening will pass.
The battle has been won, the war is not over.
Counting the days towards freedom. One day at a time.
This ‘game’ is so long-term based that it is a waste of time to look at the scoreboard the first few days in.
It’s easy to just give up at the start. It didn’t upset me much if I fail, but when I manage to go seven days or more (which is rare), it feels great to check the scoreboard and see how much I am ‘winning’. Breaking a long streak is really depressing. All that hard work, gone. Deflated and now on the other streak again. Day one of the losing streak.
Others were doing the same too. Seeing how far their winning streak can go. Some people had gone more days than me. One should never compare.
When keeping score I downloaded a habit app. Habit apps are only OK if they count the days without needing any user input. The point is to forget the app exists in my phone. I will notice day two, three, four have gone past but soon hope to slowly forget.
Forget the scoreboard and focus on more important things in life.
Emmanuelle – A series of French soft erotic movies that was aired in the 90s on a TV channel called ‘Channel 5’ in the UK late at night. That is my earliest memory of seeing people having sex. Discovering that tingling in my trousers felt amazing.
I was 12 years old.
At 18, it was clear this habit could be an issue but didn’t take it serious. I was aware that this habit could affect an erection and sex but did not care enough, probably because I was still a virgin. Looking back, not acting on these signs were a mistake. I lost my virginity at 20 and when I did everything seemed fine except one thing, I didn’t ejaculate. This was simply because I had sex without a condom and was too afraid of getting the lady pregnant, however I felt happy. I was Happy because not only did I have sex for the first time, it proved I had the ability to naturally ejaculate during sex. This lead me to believe I didn’t have a problem at all and so continued watching every day without any worries.
Sadly, this sexual experience would be the closest I ever got to natural ejaculation during sex.
At 24, I finally decided to test myself. Go one day without it and then one whole week. I’d put it off by saying “I’ll just stop tomorrow instead”. I didn’t manage to last a week. “Surely it’s unnatural to not masturbate for a whole week” I said. I gave up and just continued my old habits. Days later I decided to try again, a day without it then one week, the same thing happened. “I’ll stop tomorrow instead” and did not manage to last a week. I decided to research into the topic. There were a few related materials online regarding it. Psychological material, videos, sites and even communities. I realised that there are other men around the world that were trying to give up the habit. There were even women who were trying to give up and/or were worried about their partners and wanted to help them. Most the side-effects of consuming too much that people in these communities were sharing are side-effects I experienced. A more important discovery was that there were people who have gone very long periods without it. They were sharing what has changed in their lives. The complete opposite to the side-effects. Some even went on to form meaningful relationships.
It was then I admitted to having a serious issue.
It was very insightful and important moment in my life at 24. It was the start of learning who I am.
The bad news is I have been affected by this for most my life.
The good news is overcoming the urges and stopping the habit altogether is possible.
At 29, I am still trying to stop the habit.