Overcoming this doesn’t happen overnight.
If it did, the industry wouldn’t be valued billions of dollars. Writing about it would be a waste of time. Life would be easier.
Overcoming means going all in or nothing. Either give up the old me or sacrifice the new me. There is no stopping and starting. There is only stop, forever. Days are just baby steps to transforming into a better person. Counting the days is like measuring how long forever lasts. There are no set amount of days to get over it.
This has been a reason why it’s so hard for me to overcome the habit. It requires patience, long-term thinking and discipline. It could take me months, even years, to completely overcome this. It’s a difficult and uncomfortable process, however I have been so impatient. Always collapsing at a glimpse of struggle, and for what? A short-term burst of sensation? Stupid.
How long is forever?
A mind as calm as a coastline on a warm afternoon. Free from sudden stress upon seeing past horrors. Focused on the task that stands before it. Confident that it can overcome whatever obstacle it faces.
A body that has the ability to do more with the extra energy it has obtained. Proud of its present stature, it marches on with no fear of judgement. Natural in its behaviour.
A soul at peace with itself.
Oh how wonderful it will be.
At 29, I have never ejaculated during sex.
They believe it is their fault.
That I don’t find them attractive.
That maybe they’re bad in bed.
It’s hard to admit that and depressing.
This was a big warning sign that told me overcoming this habit is mandatory. A few past sexual partners have been puzzled and I haven’t told them why because:
– I haven’t been able to admit it to myself.
– I didn’t have the courage.
Now that I am older and wiser, I believe it was unfair that I didn’t tell them. Of course, time heals and they have moved on and probably don’t remember.
But I do.
I remember because it wasn’t their fault. I remember those that were confused and uneasy. Those that recognised something was wrong.
The industry has made me insensitive and pessimistic about being in a relationship. I have met good women that I believe I could get into a relationship with in my 20s, but I avoided affection and intimacy as an act of trying to protect them from my self-blame and worry. I’m not confident, I believe they wouldn’t want to be with me long term because of my problem.
She showed me what real love was.
I couldn’t give her the same love back.
My mind, filled with so much lust and selfishness, made Dorothy’s imperfections stand out. Although my heart was filled with her, I still chased other women. In the industry, spotting a glimpse of imperfection results in throwing away an old toy and instantly getting a new one. That’s how women are treated, like toys.
But Dorothy was different.
I loved her. I still do.
I was willing to accept her imperfections. I never told her how much I love her because I had no confidence. I’m still trying to overcome this habit and I knew I would hurt her.
It was all just too much for me. Life. This habit. Dorothy. I couldn’t do it. I relapsed day after day. I couldn’t give the same amount of love she was giving me.
I chose what I now think is the stupidest way of trying to get rid of her: Make her hate me. I lied to her, confused her, insulted her, took back the nice things I said to her etc. I did this because I thought she deserved someone who doesn’t have this lustful habit. Someone who can control himself better than I can control myself. Her life would have been much worse with me.
Eventually the time came when she left. That was probably the most depressing week of 2016. I admit I did cry. Twice.
The pain of Dorothy leaving me spurred me on. Since that day I haven’t relapsed. I feel like I am not just doing this for me anymore. She deserves to know that I did overcome the habit that has corrupted me for most my life and affected a moment of hers.
I am doing this for her.
Dorothy, I still love you.
“A contented person bonds with other people, but when you can’t do that, you will bond with something that gives you a sense of relief.” – Kurzgesagt (here)
Family? Only close to my mother.
Friends? Several loose friends, only one close friend.
Longest relationship? Less than six months.
Always thinking, always discussing with myself. No one to open up with, to share my thoughts and feelings with on a regular basis. Usually quiet. Always been a lone wolf that very rarely asks for help and assistance.
Point is I am not social, which may come as a surprise to a few.
Notorious lurker online. Just like in person, I think a lot but don’t say much. I take in a lot of information but don’t share a comment and interact with others.
This was wrong. All wrong.
This is something that was drastically wrong in my 20s in-order to overcome this habit. This is one of a few reasons why I have started writing about my experiences of overcoming this habit. To connect, discuss and share my experiences that would hopefully help others. I also need to meet people in general and open up with them. Try and create meaningful connections.
If I don’t, I will be lonely with millions of explicit websites that prey on people like me.